Spitefic: Better Loving Through Suicide

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Title: Better Loving Through Suicide
Author: gehayi
Fandom(s): The Twilight Series
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,189
Summary: Post-canon. Ten years after their marriage, Edward and Bella will stop at nothing to make each other happy…even if it means that each of them has to die.
Chapter Inspiration: Chapter 18 — The Funeral
Author’s Note: indigostohelit pointed out that "Bella attempts suicide, and this is a sign of her love for Edward. Edward attempts suicide, and this is a sign of his love for Bella." That got me wondering--what would a relationship be like in which both parties considered suicide to be the ultimate way of saying "I love you"?

***

"Edward, my dearest," I said, eyes brimming with selfless tears as I stood in the Cullens' living room, "because it is your birthday, and to prevent you from being burdened with me for all eternity, I am going to kill myself."

"Darling Bella," he replied, his perfect face dazzling me with its beauty, "I forbid you to do that."

"No, beloved," I said, giving him a watery smile. "I must cast myself gently off of a cliff and then be peaceably rocked to sleep by the ocean. Do not worry, for it shall not hurt."

A rude snort interrupted us. I sighed. Emmett. He was such a trial.

"You DO realize that even rock breaks when you drop it from a high enough height into the ocean?" he said in a tone that said he found us both ridiculous. "I mean, seriously, Bella, you've been a vampire for barely ten years and you've got more chips and cracks in your stony body than all the rest of us put together. Well, except for him, of course." He jerked a thumb in the direction of Edward, who was seated in front of me. He had lost half an arm to his latest attempt to suicide in front of the Volturi at Christmastime, and he had lost one leg when he cast himself in front of a steam roller on Valentine's Day for the love of me. But I didn't care. He was still my perfect, flawless Edward and I would die to make him happy.

Even if I had to kill myself to do it.

It was getting harder to do that these days. I now had a REAL hole where my heart was supposed to be, thanks to my stepping in front of a tractor-trailer to save my sweet angel from the unmitigated torment of my existence. Steel and hot glass had punctured my chest, leaving me with a wound that would never heal. But I didn't care. It was the badge of my deathless love for Edward.

Nor was that the only sign of our perfect and sacrificial love. I had lost my nose to that same tractor-trailer, but Edward swore that I only looked more perfect without it. And since flinging myself into the lava of Mount Saint Helen's, I had lost all my hair and both hands. But as Edward pointed out, I didn't really need hands. He would do everything for me. And he said that my head was only sexier now that it was completely naked...though of course he wanted me to wear sunbonnets for the sake of decency. Naturally I complied.

"Why don't you two broken-down wrecks quit tryin' to jump off of things?" Emmett demanded. "It's not like stone heals itself, you know. You must've figured that out. How about the next time that you feel like killing yourselves, you go off and have lots of noisy sex?"

Edward grimaced. Even such a normally hideous expression was perfect on his face. "That would be wrong."

"Hello? She's your wife, ain't she?"

Edward winced at the "ain't." "Of course she is. But we can no longer have sex. She cannot bear children now, and I believe sex is strictly for reproductive reasons."

"So when she was human, you couldn't have sex because it could kill her. And now that she's a vampire, you can't have sex because vampire women don't get pregnant?"

Edward gave me a tragic smile. "Exactly. It is difficult. But I will be strong."

"You're not going to have to be strong for long if she kills herself the way she just said she was planning to."

"I've already forbidden that."

"Uh-HUH," grunted Emmett. "That mean you don't want to get a dildo to replace your missing dong? Or have some kind of sex that don't require it?"

A certain key portion of Edward had broken off three months before when he'd allowed himself to be struck by lightning five thousand and eighty-seven times. He said he didn't miss it. After some thought, I realized that I didn't either, since the two times that we'd had sex, I'd blacked out.

Emmett continued speaking. "Since you're forbiddin' her from dyin', I guess that means that you're planning on giving her your suicide for your anniversary--AGAIN?"

I smiled with what I hoped was nobility. "Edward! What a generous gift. But I cannot accept it."

"Why don't you go out in the garden and discuss it?" asked Rosalie, who had suddenly appeared in the living room doorway. "I'm sure you'd hate to duplicate each other's methods of suicide. That would be so tacky."

Edward wheeled himself toward the garden, graciously holding the door open for me.

***

Emmett and Rosalie waited until the two "spawns of Saccharine," as Rosalie called them, were a safe distance from the house. Then, as if on cue, each pulled a remote control from their pockets and pushed a red button.

The explosion and subsequent fire shook the house. Emmett and Rosalie, however, merely exchanged relieved glances.

"That's got to have done it," Emmett said. "You don't survive a plastique explosion like that. Especially not when the plastique is laced through your entire body. Good idea of yourn to prep their wounds that way, the last time they committed suicide."

Rosalie shrugged. "I just got tired of their assholery. I kept telling Edward, 'Forget about killing yourself--just get her some flowers.' But no. He thought suicide was a more personal gift. And Bella was exactly the same. Always got the feeling that she didn't know Juliet ended up in a tomb as part of a con game to get out of town, not because Juliet wanted to die."

"I'd've set them both up to be arrested for attempted suicide if it wouldn't have got us into Dutch with the Volturi," Emmett admitted. "I think Chief Swan would've enjoyed arresting Edward. Not so much Bella, though." He frowned. "Funny. You'd think I'd miss 'em both. I don't."

"Wonder if Nessie'll miss them?"

"Probably not. Neither of 'em was ever very paternal." A chuckle. "Wonder how Alice is gonna explain not foreseein' this?"

"I don't know and I don't care," Rosalie said firmly. "But I think we'd better grab Nessie and go now. Otherwise, the minute we're gone, Carlisle, Esme and Alice will be pushing Jacob at the poor kid. I mean, I know she's physically an adult, but mentally and emotionally she's a little girl. She still believes in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy! She needs time to grow up...and to deal with that weird vampire progeria of hers."

Emmett nodded. "Agreed. So. Why'd you pick Australia for us to run to?"

"English is spoken there, it's as big as America, there are lots of places to get lost and it's very far away from Europe and the Volturi. Takes a bit of effort to emigrate, but we can forge the necessary documents once we get in on a tourist visa."

"Damn, you're good," Emmett said, grinning. "Okay. I'll go get the kid. You go get the tickets. It's time to get the fuck outta here."

Comments

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Oh, they totally change it. (The kid HAAAAAAAAAAAAATES her name, and so do Emmett and Rosalie.) They change it to Charlotte McCarty. Emmett wanted it to be Charlotte Leia McCarty, because both Leia and Leah are awesome, but Rose said no.

Oh, and Charlotte is for Charlie, BTW.