Normal Guy VS Edward Cullen VS Robert Carmon

[ranguvar33]

(Mervin, sorry about forgetting the cut last time. I do know how to do them, I promise. ;)]

Title: Normal Guy vs Edward Cullen vs Robert Carmon

Author: ranguvar42

Fandom: Twilight

Summary: Another parody of The Normal Guy vs Edward Cullen using two characters from my upcoming novel. Robert is a werewolf and Maeve is his wife.

Word Count: 555

Rating: PG

A Normal Guy would say: “I love you, baby.”

Edward Cullen would say: “You are my life now.”

Robert would buy Maeve a giant stuffed animal and leave it on her pillow.

A Normal Guy would say: “I think I am falling for you.”

Edward Cullen would say: “The lion fell in love with the lamb.”

Robert's not really good at saying 'I love you', but he's great at showing it.

A Normal Guy would say: “Your hair looks like a haystack, go brush it!”

Edward Cullen would say: “Your hair looks like a haystack, but I like it.”

Robert would say, “Could you help me get the briars out of my fur?”

A Normal Guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.

Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.

Robert would pick a song at random, then sing it-and he sucks at singing, but it's the thought that counts.

If you die, a normal guy would find another.

If you die, Edward Cullen would kill himself because life without you isn't worth living.

If Maeve dies, Robert would mourn, but hope to find another mate.

As you leave the house, a Normal Guy would say: “Bye, see ya.”

As you leave the house, Edward Cullen would say, “Come back to me, love.”

As Maeve leaves the house, Robert would remind her to pick up some more cuffs-they broke the last pair.

As you come back to the house, a Normal Guy would be watching TV and not even notice.

As you come back to the house, Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song he wrote just for you.

As Maeve comes back to the house, Robert would drag her into their bedroom. Or possibly be asleep.

A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.

Edward Cullen would make you breakfast every day.

Robert would flip a coin. Heads, he makes breakfast. Tails, Maeve.

While you are both out for dinner, a normal guy wouldn’t keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.

Edward Cullen wouldn't even notice the waitress was female.

Robert would charm her into giving them free dessert.

A normal guy, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.

Edward Cullen, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.

Robert's not much of a driver.

While far apart in different places, a normal guy would say: “I miss you.”

While far apart in different places, Edward Cullen would say: “It’s like you’ve taken half of myself with you.”

Robert would call Maeve and initiate three hour long phone sex.

A Normal Guy wouldn't care or notice if you had nightmares.

Edward Cullen would sing to you until your nightmares went away.

Robert and Maeve hunt monsters for a living, they don't have time for nightmares. :P

A Normal Guy buys you flowers and chocolate.

Edward Cullen would buy you a car.

Robert buys Maeve nice shiny knives.

A Normal Guy would have sex with everything that moves.

Edward Cullen would only do it with you.

Robert has Maeve, why would he want anyone else?

Comments

[madforbeyond.livejournal.com]

-Smiles- No matter how many times I read these, I still love them. Congrats!

[ranguvar33]

Thank you!

And me too.

[stormswift]

A normal guy, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.
Edward Cullen, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.
Robert's not much of a driver.

Ha! I enjoy these kinds of deconstructions because it shows that, hey, taste is subjective! What a radical notion! It's almost like "women" (quotes because...let's be honest, these things are aimed at Cosmo's/some dudebro's notion of those crazy womenfolk) are not a monolithic hivemind! What one person likes is not necessarily what another person finds attractive! News at 11!

And hey, maybe I prefer the person driving to have both hands on the wheel, list writer. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT OF COURSE NOT.

[ranguvar33]

Why, I do believe you've made a breakthrough! The idea that not all women like the same thing is just astonishing! :0 ;)

And yeah, if I'm in a car with someone, keep both hands at ten and two, please.