Spitefic: Long Distance
Jan. 25th, 2011 02:12 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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twispiteficTitle: Long Distance
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
das_mervin
Fandom(s): New Moon
Rating: G
Word Count: 935
Inspiration: The ridiculous plan Alice cooks up to save Edward from himself in chapter eighteen.
Warnings: NONE
Summary: Rosalie was always the logical one.
Rosalie opened her mouth to reply to Alice, but the line suddenly went dead. Pursing her lips, she irritably snapped the phone shut again, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“Something botherin’ you, hon?” came a voice that never failed to raise her spirits. “And is it something I can beat up?”
Rosalie smiled wryly at Emmett. “I wish. I swear to God. I don’t know who the bigger drama queen is—Alice or Edward.”
“It’s Wardo,” Emmett said without hesitation.
Rosalie rolled her eyes. “You didn’t just get off the phone with Alice. She’s giving him a run for his money.”
“What?” Emmett asked, grinning. “She trying to fake tears while she gives Bella’s eulogy?”
“I can’t exactly say I’m happy about this, but apparently, there isn’t going to be a funeral for Bella Swan-Dive. Alice’s vision was wrong.”
“Huh.” Emmett shrugged. “Why didn’t she call?”
“Too busy playing sleepover, I assume,” Rosalie said, sneering. “Now she’s all bitchy that I told Edward about her vision—which Esme was going to do tomorrow, I might add!—because Edward is apparently off to Italy to get his head torn off.”
Emmett laughed. “What a tool! Are you serious?!”
“He is,” Rosalie sighed. “Idiot. He’s such a selfish wanker.”
“Actually,” Emmett said, throwing an arm around her, “I think his problem is the opposite. If he was more of a wanker, he wouldn’t be so cranky.” He blew a breath out through his nose. “I suppose we should stop him.”
“Oh, Alice is already going to do that,” Rosalie said, chuckling. “She is going to fly to Italy with Bella to stop him.”
Emmett blinked, for once taken aback. “You’re joking, right? Alice is not going to take Bella to the Volturi? Considering how much Wardo was breaking the rules with her?”
“Afraid I’m not,” Rosalie sighed. “But there’s nothing that can be done for that, they’re probably already on their way. But!” Rosalie reached into her pocket and pulled out Carlisle’s cell phone, left with her for safe-keeping while he and Esme hunted. “We can show a little more sense than our dear sister who appears to have left what little brains she has up here in Denali.”
Scrolling through the numbers he had stored, she found the international call that Carlisle kept but never used. She punched the “send” button and waited patiently as the phone rang innocuously in her ear.
A woman’s voice answered benignly in Italian, but Rosalie wasn’t in any mood to speak that language—she only spoke Italian when she and Emmett were role-playing “The Marriage of Figaro”. “English, please,” she said politely. “And you should know I sparkle in the sun and need to get a message to Aro.”
“Ah—yes, ma’am. Please state the nature of the call,” she replied in English and in a much more attentive tone.
“Tell Aro that one of Carlisle’s children, Edward Cullen, is coming to Volterra to request that they kill him. He is under the impression that his girlfriend is dead. It is a mistaken impression, so there is really no point to his suicide. Please make sure that they know not to do as he asks and instead just restrain him.” She pursed her lips, thinking quickly. “Also, his sister Alice and the aforementioned girlfriend are going to be arriving probably around the same time he does. The girlfriend is a human and knows all about vampires, but please tell Aro not to worry—she’s Carlisle’s newest choice for a family member, is all. Aro will understand.”
“I will deliver the message as quickly as possible,” the receptionist replied. “Was there anything else you needed?”
“No, that’s all. Thank you very much,” Rosalie said, and then snapped the phone shut. She looked over at Emmett. “Was that so hard?” she asked. “Why Alice thinks getting on a plane and flying Bella to Italy to be spotted by the Volturi is a good idea…” She trailed off, shaking her head.
“Alice never was one for strategy,” Emmett said, shrugging again. “Remember last year?”
Rosalie wrinkled her nose. “How on earth could I forget that ridiculous plan? You had a perfectly good solution, but no, Edward and Alice had to go be idiots and make the whole thing complicated. Idiot girl never would’ve skipped blithely to James if we’d just done what you wanted to do and met the guy head-on.”
“Well, Wardo’s never been known for his bravery,” Emmett said, grinning and turning to wrap his other arm around her. “Remember the first time the werewolves ever showed up back in the thirties?”
Rosalie laughed. “I was actually looking for a stain on his pants before I remembered we don’t pee anymore!”
“Yeah, he talks a big line, always shootin’ off with lines about who he’s gonna beat up or maim, but he always makes up an excuse at the last minute as to why he can’t, the pansy,” Emmett said. He suddenly looked slyly at Rosalie. “But you know what? I’m tired of talking about Wardo. I’d much rather talk about something else.”
Rosalie returned the look, putting her arms around his shoulders. “Oh?” she purred. “And what would that be?”
“I want to talk about the evil villain who carries the fair maiden off to tie her to the railroad tracks,” he growled, tossing Rosalie over his shoulder.
She squealed, giggling. “Well, he’d better watch out, because he might find himself tied down to the railroad tracks before it’s over!”
Emmett patted Rosalie’s backside as he raced towards the house. “I don’t think he’d have it any other way.”
Author:
das_mervinFandom(s): New Moon
Rating: G
Word Count: 935
Inspiration: The ridiculous plan Alice cooks up to save Edward from himself in chapter eighteen.
Warnings: NONE
Summary: Rosalie was always the logical one.
Rosalie opened her mouth to reply to Alice, but the line suddenly went dead. Pursing her lips, she irritably snapped the phone shut again, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“Something botherin’ you, hon?” came a voice that never failed to raise her spirits. “And is it something I can beat up?”
Rosalie smiled wryly at Emmett. “I wish. I swear to God. I don’t know who the bigger drama queen is—Alice or Edward.”
“It’s Wardo,” Emmett said without hesitation.
Rosalie rolled her eyes. “You didn’t just get off the phone with Alice. She’s giving him a run for his money.”
“What?” Emmett asked, grinning. “She trying to fake tears while she gives Bella’s eulogy?”
“I can’t exactly say I’m happy about this, but apparently, there isn’t going to be a funeral for Bella Swan-Dive. Alice’s vision was wrong.”
“Huh.” Emmett shrugged. “Why didn’t she call?”
“Too busy playing sleepover, I assume,” Rosalie said, sneering. “Now she’s all bitchy that I told Edward about her vision—which Esme was going to do tomorrow, I might add!—because Edward is apparently off to Italy to get his head torn off.”
Emmett laughed. “What a tool! Are you serious?!”
“He is,” Rosalie sighed. “Idiot. He’s such a selfish wanker.”
“Actually,” Emmett said, throwing an arm around her, “I think his problem is the opposite. If he was more of a wanker, he wouldn’t be so cranky.” He blew a breath out through his nose. “I suppose we should stop him.”
“Oh, Alice is already going to do that,” Rosalie said, chuckling. “She is going to fly to Italy with Bella to stop him.”
Emmett blinked, for once taken aback. “You’re joking, right? Alice is not going to take Bella to the Volturi? Considering how much Wardo was breaking the rules with her?”
“Afraid I’m not,” Rosalie sighed. “But there’s nothing that can be done for that, they’re probably already on their way. But!” Rosalie reached into her pocket and pulled out Carlisle’s cell phone, left with her for safe-keeping while he and Esme hunted. “We can show a little more sense than our dear sister who appears to have left what little brains she has up here in Denali.”
Scrolling through the numbers he had stored, she found the international call that Carlisle kept but never used. She punched the “send” button and waited patiently as the phone rang innocuously in her ear.
A woman’s voice answered benignly in Italian, but Rosalie wasn’t in any mood to speak that language—she only spoke Italian when she and Emmett were role-playing “The Marriage of Figaro”. “English, please,” she said politely. “And you should know I sparkle in the sun and need to get a message to Aro.”
“Ah—yes, ma’am. Please state the nature of the call,” she replied in English and in a much more attentive tone.
“Tell Aro that one of Carlisle’s children, Edward Cullen, is coming to Volterra to request that they kill him. He is under the impression that his girlfriend is dead. It is a mistaken impression, so there is really no point to his suicide. Please make sure that they know not to do as he asks and instead just restrain him.” She pursed her lips, thinking quickly. “Also, his sister Alice and the aforementioned girlfriend are going to be arriving probably around the same time he does. The girlfriend is a human and knows all about vampires, but please tell Aro not to worry—she’s Carlisle’s newest choice for a family member, is all. Aro will understand.”
“I will deliver the message as quickly as possible,” the receptionist replied. “Was there anything else you needed?”
“No, that’s all. Thank you very much,” Rosalie said, and then snapped the phone shut. She looked over at Emmett. “Was that so hard?” she asked. “Why Alice thinks getting on a plane and flying Bella to Italy to be spotted by the Volturi is a good idea…” She trailed off, shaking her head.
“Alice never was one for strategy,” Emmett said, shrugging again. “Remember last year?”
Rosalie wrinkled her nose. “How on earth could I forget that ridiculous plan? You had a perfectly good solution, but no, Edward and Alice had to go be idiots and make the whole thing complicated. Idiot girl never would’ve skipped blithely to James if we’d just done what you wanted to do and met the guy head-on.”
“Well, Wardo’s never been known for his bravery,” Emmett said, grinning and turning to wrap his other arm around her. “Remember the first time the werewolves ever showed up back in the thirties?”
Rosalie laughed. “I was actually looking for a stain on his pants before I remembered we don’t pee anymore!”
“Yeah, he talks a big line, always shootin’ off with lines about who he’s gonna beat up or maim, but he always makes up an excuse at the last minute as to why he can’t, the pansy,” Emmett said. He suddenly looked slyly at Rosalie. “But you know what? I’m tired of talking about Wardo. I’d much rather talk about something else.”
Rosalie returned the look, putting her arms around his shoulders. “Oh?” she purred. “And what would that be?”
“I want to talk about the evil villain who carries the fair maiden off to tie her to the railroad tracks,” he growled, tossing Rosalie over his shoulder.
She squealed, giggling. “Well, he’d better watch out, because he might find himself tied down to the railroad tracks before it’s over!”
Emmett patted Rosalie’s backside as he raced towards the house. “I don’t think he’d have it any other way.”
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Date: 2011-03-28 08:58 pm (UTC)Aww...
Date: 2014-04-28 03:44 pm (UTC)I love how they make fun of Malice, Edturd, and Dumbell.