Blackadder 5: The Undead Years (Part 1)

[sum422.livejournal.com]

I just got my friend into the Blackadder series and thought I'd try and write a crossover fic where Blackadder and the cast meet the characters of Twilight. I hope those who read this enjoy this! :) I don't know how long this is going to be but I'll try and keep it about 5 chapters!

Author: Sum422

Fandom(s): The Twilight Series, Blackadder  

Rating: PG

Word Count: 1005

Inspiration: The Twilight series and the amazingly funny Blackadder series!   

Warnings: None, really, except for maybe the occasional gross imagery that comes from insults aimed at Baldrick!

Summary: Edmund Blackadder was turned into a vampire and now spends his undead life as a guard for the Volturi. Problem is he hates working for his superiors just as his ancestors did for theirs. When Aro challenges him to a bet: kill the Cullens and we’ll relinquish Marcus's position to you or fail and be killed, Blackadder forms a cunning plan with his filthy beyond belief dogsbody, Baldrick, to wipe out the vegetarian family and become the top vamp!

*

Edmund Blackadder… Where do you even begin with such a man?

If you were to ask his students and fellow co-workers, all you’d hear were jeers and insults upon his name. How he had been nothing but a snide, pessimistic, sneering, weasel of a man who didn’t have a nice bone in his body (some would even say he was almost amoral) and was ruthlessly opportunistic to the point where he associated with people simply because he standed to gain something from them. All in all, he was a complete and utter bastard and the world was a much better place now that he was dead! 

However, if anyone were to approach his former assistant Baldrick, an idiotic man who had the self-respect and hygiene of a fly, and ask him about Blackadder, they’d most likely get a long and detailed history about the man and his lineage. How the Blackadder he’d served had been a discontented man with a great mind and even greater ambitions to go with it. How he’d hated the fact that his luck and family name had fallen so far and that no one respected, feared or even cared about the dynasty of the Blackadder family anymore.

To be stuck in a dead end job, teaching History in a crappy school to lazy, technology obsessed students was hardly a job befitting a man who had noble blood in his veins and whose ancestors had been part of some of the most defining moments of British history.

If anyone had ever cared to ask, they’d have discovered that he was descended from Prince Edmund "The Black Adder" Plantagenet, Duke of Edinburgh, who was at the Battle of Bosworth. How his relative, Lord Blackadder, had served under Queen Elizabeth I and was one of her favourites. How E. Blackadder Esquire was the head butler to the Prince Regent, George IV and his great-grandfather, Captain Blackadder, was a war hero who died in WW1! 

Maybe it was this disappointment with his life that lead to his suicide…

Edmund, right around the time when exams were coming up, requested a leave of absence, explaining that one of his cousins from the Whiteadder side of the family had kicked the bucket and needed to attend the funeral in Italy. This was granted and, after telling his students to go shove their iPhones and failing A levels up their inbred arses, he left for Volterra, Italy. None of the staff or the head teacher cared to ask him why he was bothering to attend a funeral for one of his fanatical God-fearing relatives, the Whiteadders, when he hated their guts because, quite frankly, any time away from the miserable bugger was good news in their books!

But then, shortly afterwards, a letter arrived addressed with only the words ‘Sodoff’ on it and written in Blackadder’s handwriting. Baldrick said it was for him although, for the life of everyone, no one could believe for an instant that his first name really was that, but I digress! In it was a suicide note explaining how, by the time this reached him, he’d have killed himself by jumping from a very, very, tall building. His one last wish was simply that his money be locked safe away and for Baldrick not to even think about touching it because he just knew that the moronic stain on the tapestry that was ‘mankind’ would probably spend it all on a giant turnip or something completely useless like that!

Why a dead man would want his remaining money and worldly possessions still lying around was a bit of a mystery, but those who had known Edmund Blackadder came to the conclusion that the man was just really stingy and if he couldn’t use his money than no one could. Which is a shame, because his students would have loved the real reason be because of their former teacher having a bastard child through a prostitute or sordid love affair or something equally scandalous like that!

The truth is actually far stranger than fiction but here goes: Edmund Blackadder never committed suicide.  The whole thing was a setup to cut himself from any ties he had in his former life. In fact, he’s still in Volterra, Italy, walking, talking and being his usual annoyed, sarcastic self that everyone back in England knew him to be. There’s only one teensy weensy difference about him now and it is this:

Edmund Blackadder has become one of the immortal, undead. A vampire!

The Volturi, the closest thing to royalty in the vampire world and the ones who enforced the laws, had sensed a huge amount of potential in intelligent, Englishmen and had him captured and changed into one of them immediately. There wasn’t much of a struggle from Blackadder who, upon learning of his fate, decided that three days of absolute agony comparable only to the smell that Baldrick gave off on a hot, summer’s day was worth it if it meant he’d finally have some power and respect. The immortality was an added bonus!

But this is Blackadder we’re talking about, and if there’s one thing that History has taught us about that horrid Dynasty is that, no matter his station in life, Blackadder has always found himself the only sane man in a seemingly insane world, working for an incompetent boss who is as suited to their job as Joaquin Phoenix is to the world of rap music!

So, introductions over, let’s skip forward one year later to Edmund Blackadder, who is no longer a newborn but now an unsatisfied guard to the Volturi and thinking up a way to become the top dog of the vampire world!

In life he loathed his boring job,

and spent his lessons throwing a fit.

Until one day this horrid snob,

told his students to go and shove it!

Blackadder! Blackadder!

Now one of the undead!

Blackadder! Blackadder!

I wish he’d died instead!

Blackadder! Blackadder!

Wants to be number one!

Blackadder! Blackadder!

His troubles just begun!

If anyone has any suggestions please don't hesistate to tell me! Thank you for taking the time to read this!

Comments

[albion-witch.livejournal.com]

I love the potential for this crossover. I loved Blackadder who is the prime example of how to write a likeable jerkass.

I would recommend finding a beta, because I noticed a few grammatical errors such as the comma between intelligent and Englishman.

That aside, I eagerly await the next installment.

[sum422.livejournal.com]

I'll make a post asking if there's anyone who could beta this story for me in a minute!

I'm glad you liked the first part! Writing Blackadder is a lot harder than I suspected but it's fun trying to come up with colourful insults about Baldrick and the rest of the characters. :P

[hyperactivator.livejournal.com]

Yay!

[morri-delrae.livejournal.com]

Wow. Blackadder and... Twilight? This story has all the markings of a complete crackfic, but a crackfic whose very idea made me insanely happy. If anyone can put those snotty Sparklepires in their place it's Edmund "Insulting Snotty Tossers Since 1485 (And Probably Even Before That)!" Blackadder. And his attitude towards Baldrick and the students clearly proves that it's the same old bastard we love... to watch while he insults other people :> This is going to be good!

[quicksilvermad.livejournal.com]

Oh, AWESOME!

I love the idea of Blackadder giving these characters what-for.

[melissatreglia]

OK, I'm not at all familiar with the Blackadder series (never heard of it, actually), but this is already beginning to sound like some seriously cracky goodness. Off to read part two!