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twispiteficTitle Normal Guy vs Edward Cullen vs Ambrose Lovegood
Author albion_witch
Fandom(s) Twilight
Rating PG
Word Count 752
Inspiration The sporking of the original Normal Guy vs Edward Cullen and the three spitefics that followed.
Summary In which albion_witch makes comparisons between Edward Cullen and her own vampire OC Ambrose Lovegood.
Author's Notes I actually wrote this some time ago but after reading the comments in the sporking of Eclipse, Chapter 16: Epoch it seems like a good time to post it. For those unfamiliar my deviantART account, Ambrose happens to look like this: http://froudthexenophile.deviantart.com/gallery/24737176#/d2exh4f . Not what you would call prime fapping material but he doesn't mind and even likes the fact that he's physically unattractive. I digress.
A normal guy would say: ‘I love you Baby!’
Edward Cullen would say: ‘You are my life now.’
Ambrose Lovegood would say: ‘You want to learn how to make bread?’
Normal Guy would say: ‘I think I am falling for you.’
Edward Cullen would say: ‘The Lion fell in Love with the Lamb’
Ambrose Lovegood would ask you about your favorite type of bread and explain what goes into a good loaf of bread.
Normal Guy would say: ‘You hair looks like a haystack; go brush it!’
Edward Cullen would say: ‘Your hair looks like a haystack but I like it.’
Ambrose Lovegood would say nothing. Complaining about hair when he has none would seem hypocritical.
A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.
Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.
Ambrose Lovegood would ask what type of music you like and offer to lend some of his favorite music (Big Band) in exchange for some of yours.
If you die, a normal guy would find another.
If you die, Edward would kill himself because life without you isn’t worth living.
If you die, Ambrose would mourn you but he will keep your memory alive (via a photo, a scrapbook, etc) and share it with those he meets if they’re curious. Hell, he started a tradition concerning a fella he met in 1849, but that’s a whole other story.
As you leave the house, a normal guy would say: “Bye, see ya!”
As you leave the house, Edward Cullen would say: “Come back to me, love.”
As you leave the house, Ambrose Lovegood would say: “Have fun.”
As you come back to the house, a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn’t even notice.
As you come back to the house, Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.
As you come back to the house, Ambrose Lovegood would offer you a spot on the couch as the Packers play against the Vikings.
A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.
Edward Cullen would make you breakfast every day.
Ambrose Lovegood would teach you to make various types of breakfast breads and pastries.
While you are both out for dinner, a normal guy wouldn’t keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.
Edward Cullen wouldn’t even notice the waitress was a female.
Ambrose Lovegood would ask the waitress where they get those insanely hard breadsticks/rolls from and give her his business card.
A normal guy, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.
Edward Cullen, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.
Ambrose Lovegood does not have a driver’s license but would not mind riding in the back of the delivery van with you.
While far apart in different places, a normal guy would say: ‘I miss you.’
While far apart in different places, Edward Cullen would say: ‘It’s like you’ve taken half of myself with you.’
While far apart in different places, Ambrose Lovegood would say: ‘Be safe, have fun, and take lots of photos.’
A normal guy wouldn’t care or notice if you had nightmares.
Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.
Ambrose Lovegood would pass you something warm to drink and listen to you.
A normal guy does it with everyone.
Edward Cullen only does it with one.
Ambrose Lovegood is pretty nonfunctional below the waist, but he has experience in pleasuring women…and men…if you’re into that sort of thing.
A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.
Edward Cullen buys you a car.
Ambrose Lovegood buys you a torte pan and includes a recipe card for obsttorte, that birthday cake he made that looks like a giant tart.
A normal guy can help you to stake a vampire pestering you.
Edward Cullen would be the vampire pestering you.
Ambrose Lovegood would track the creepy sparkling stalker down, ask him to stop harassing you and your family, and, when that fails, get his friends together which include a djinn masseuse, the golem that works for him, an eighty-year old Haitian woman, a Catholic priest who can shapeshift into a maned wolf, an incarnation of Saint Nicholas, a Krampus, and a twelve year-old girl armed with a blessed softball bat to help him take the douche down.
A normal guy would feel a little uncomfortable when he sees you catch up with an ex.
Edward Cullen would flaunt you around your ex and keep you from being friends with your ex...or any other human being for that matter.
Ambrose Lovegood would feel uncomfortable when his ex stops by and chats with you, mostly because two of his exes are actually older than him and magical to boot.
Author albion_witch
Fandom(s) Twilight
Rating PG
Word Count 752
Inspiration The sporking of the original Normal Guy vs Edward Cullen and the three spitefics that followed.
Summary In which albion_witch makes comparisons between Edward Cullen and her own vampire OC Ambrose Lovegood.
Author's Notes I actually wrote this some time ago but after reading the comments in the sporking of Eclipse, Chapter 16: Epoch it seems like a good time to post it. For those unfamiliar my deviantART account, Ambrose happens to look like this: http://froudthexenophile.deviantart.com/gallery/24737176#/d2exh4f . Not what you would call prime fapping material but he doesn't mind and even likes the fact that he's physically unattractive. I digress.
A normal guy would say: ‘I love you Baby!’
Edward Cullen would say: ‘You are my life now.’
Ambrose Lovegood would say: ‘You want to learn how to make bread?’
Normal Guy would say: ‘I think I am falling for you.’
Edward Cullen would say: ‘The Lion fell in Love with the Lamb’
Ambrose Lovegood would ask you about your favorite type of bread and explain what goes into a good loaf of bread.
Normal Guy would say: ‘You hair looks like a haystack; go brush it!’
Edward Cullen would say: ‘Your hair looks like a haystack but I like it.’
Ambrose Lovegood would say nothing. Complaining about hair when he has none would seem hypocritical.
A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.
Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.
Ambrose Lovegood would ask what type of music you like and offer to lend some of his favorite music (Big Band) in exchange for some of yours.
If you die, a normal guy would find another.
If you die, Edward would kill himself because life without you isn’t worth living.
If you die, Ambrose would mourn you but he will keep your memory alive (via a photo, a scrapbook, etc) and share it with those he meets if they’re curious. Hell, he started a tradition concerning a fella he met in 1849, but that’s a whole other story.
As you leave the house, a normal guy would say: “Bye, see ya!”
As you leave the house, Edward Cullen would say: “Come back to me, love.”
As you leave the house, Ambrose Lovegood would say: “Have fun.”
As you come back to the house, a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn’t even notice.
As you come back to the house, Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.
As you come back to the house, Ambrose Lovegood would offer you a spot on the couch as the Packers play against the Vikings.
A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.
Edward Cullen would make you breakfast every day.
Ambrose Lovegood would teach you to make various types of breakfast breads and pastries.
While you are both out for dinner, a normal guy wouldn’t keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.
Edward Cullen wouldn’t even notice the waitress was a female.
Ambrose Lovegood would ask the waitress where they get those insanely hard breadsticks/rolls from and give her his business card.
A normal guy, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.
Edward Cullen, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.
Ambrose Lovegood does not have a driver’s license but would not mind riding in the back of the delivery van with you.
While far apart in different places, a normal guy would say: ‘I miss you.’
While far apart in different places, Edward Cullen would say: ‘It’s like you’ve taken half of myself with you.’
While far apart in different places, Ambrose Lovegood would say: ‘Be safe, have fun, and take lots of photos.’
A normal guy wouldn’t care or notice if you had nightmares.
Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.
Ambrose Lovegood would pass you something warm to drink and listen to you.
A normal guy does it with everyone.
Edward Cullen only does it with one.
Ambrose Lovegood is pretty nonfunctional below the waist, but he has experience in pleasuring women…and men…if you’re into that sort of thing.
A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.
Edward Cullen buys you a car.
Ambrose Lovegood buys you a torte pan and includes a recipe card for obsttorte, that birthday cake he made that looks like a giant tart.
A normal guy can help you to stake a vampire pestering you.
Edward Cullen would be the vampire pestering you.
Ambrose Lovegood would track the creepy sparkling stalker down, ask him to stop harassing you and your family, and, when that fails, get his friends together which include a djinn masseuse, the golem that works for him, an eighty-year old Haitian woman, a Catholic priest who can shapeshift into a maned wolf, an incarnation of Saint Nicholas, a Krampus, and a twelve year-old girl armed with a blessed softball bat to help him take the douche down.
A normal guy would feel a little uncomfortable when he sees you catch up with an ex.
Edward Cullen would flaunt you around your ex and keep you from being friends with your ex...or any other human being for that matter.
Ambrose Lovegood would feel uncomfortable when his ex stops by and chats with you, mostly because two of his exes are actually older than him and magical to boot.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-09-29 12:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-29 01:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-30 04:08 pm (UTC)"Ambrose Lovegood would ask the waitress where they get those insanely hard breadsticks/rolls from and give her his business card."
And this?
"Ambrose Lovegood is pretty nonfunctional below the waist, but he has experience in pleasuring women…and men…if you’re into that sort of thing."
Nearly killed me.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-14 11:56 pm (UTC)