Epilogue: Renesmee
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twispiteficTitle: Epilogue: Renesmee
Author: tsukasabuddha
Fandom(s): Twilight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 519
Inspiration: The Jacob/Renesmee relationship in Breaking Dawn.
Warnings: Humor with pedophilia, minor language and implied sexual content
Summary: Renesmee is late one day coming home from school...
Renesmee tried her best to close the door silently, but she knew it would do no good. She turned to resolutely stare at the man waiting behind her. Jacob stood with his arms crossed over his “Kiss the Chef” apron.
“And where have you been?”
“I believe the pertinent point in this discussion is with whom,” she began. “Suffice it to say, I merely took a brief sojourn on my way home from school so that I might discuss to finer points of the latest Nancy Drew release with Zack.” She was able to have a great time, unlike when she had to participate in class on the works of Shakespeare and other dry, boring authors. She complained, but her mother only explained to her that all vampires go to high school, and if she waited any longer her appearance would be too mature and she would miss the experience all together.
Jacob huffed, “ Don’t use that tone of voice with me, young lady. And who is ‘Zack’? Are you sure he was only interested in books? Is he in your class? Do you think he has nice abs?”
Renesmee sighed and started counting dust motes as he ranted on. She couldn’t count how many times she endured this same event. Well, as a vampire she could count all 496 times, but an ordinary human couldn’t.
“Now see here,” she tried again after he paused to take a breath, “my distractions are not restrained by your filial ties with me. I find this undue burden on my joys to be quite troublesome. I know we have been through this before. I submit that you recall the Pokėmon fiasco?”
“But he was stealing your-”
“It is called ‘trading’ and they are called ‘trading cards’.” She was letting herself get too frustrated. She paused and took a breath, not that she needed to, as she was not human. “Look, let’s get to the heart of the matter. While I have long appreciated your tireless protection and unending kindness, I feel that you are being a tad too prohibitive on my recreations and social interactions. Aunt Rosalie, mom, and Edward do not exhibit this same troubling behavior. I’ve overlooked your insistence on doing my laundry and helping me bathe, but let’s face the facts, things can’t continue forever like this, Uncle Jacob.”
Jacob jumped to his feet and shook with rage. “Don’t call me that! DON’T. CALL. ME. THAT!”
Renesmee closed her eyes. She knew what would happen if he continued on like this. These rants started when she was six- or was it thirteen? She didn’t understand why he objected so much, or would look angry, then sad.
“MOM!” She would be able to calm him down.
They both struggled to listen for a sign of Bella. Renesmee knew, as a vampire, she would hear her mother before the dog. But she did not hear the welcoming, thunderous approach of her mother. Instead, she heard a more rhythmic pattern emanating from the direction of her parents’ “Alone Time Shack”. She quite distinctly heard a moan of “Oh, Edward!”
“Aw, fuck me!”
“Can I?!” And with that, Jacob gleefully pounced.
Author: tsukasabuddha
Fandom(s): Twilight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 519
Inspiration: The Jacob/Renesmee relationship in Breaking Dawn.
Warnings: Humor with pedophilia, minor language and implied sexual content
Summary: Renesmee is late one day coming home from school...
Renesmee tried her best to close the door silently, but she knew it would do no good. She turned to resolutely stare at the man waiting behind her. Jacob stood with his arms crossed over his “Kiss the Chef” apron.
“And where have you been?”
“I believe the pertinent point in this discussion is with whom,” she began. “Suffice it to say, I merely took a brief sojourn on my way home from school so that I might discuss to finer points of the latest Nancy Drew release with Zack.” She was able to have a great time, unlike when she had to participate in class on the works of Shakespeare and other dry, boring authors. She complained, but her mother only explained to her that all vampires go to high school, and if she waited any longer her appearance would be too mature and she would miss the experience all together.
Jacob huffed, “ Don’t use that tone of voice with me, young lady. And who is ‘Zack’? Are you sure he was only interested in books? Is he in your class? Do you think he has nice abs?”
Renesmee sighed and started counting dust motes as he ranted on. She couldn’t count how many times she endured this same event. Well, as a vampire she could count all 496 times, but an ordinary human couldn’t.
“Now see here,” she tried again after he paused to take a breath, “my distractions are not restrained by your filial ties with me. I find this undue burden on my joys to be quite troublesome. I know we have been through this before. I submit that you recall the Pokėmon fiasco?”
“But he was stealing your-”
“It is called ‘trading’ and they are called ‘trading cards’.” She was letting herself get too frustrated. She paused and took a breath, not that she needed to, as she was not human. “Look, let’s get to the heart of the matter. While I have long appreciated your tireless protection and unending kindness, I feel that you are being a tad too prohibitive on my recreations and social interactions. Aunt Rosalie, mom, and Edward do not exhibit this same troubling behavior. I’ve overlooked your insistence on doing my laundry and helping me bathe, but let’s face the facts, things can’t continue forever like this, Uncle Jacob.”
Jacob jumped to his feet and shook with rage. “Don’t call me that! DON’T. CALL. ME. THAT!”
Renesmee closed her eyes. She knew what would happen if he continued on like this. These rants started when she was six- or was it thirteen? She didn’t understand why he objected so much, or would look angry, then sad.
“MOM!” She would be able to calm him down.
They both struggled to listen for a sign of Bella. Renesmee knew, as a vampire, she would hear her mother before the dog. But she did not hear the welcoming, thunderous approach of her mother. Instead, she heard a more rhythmic pattern emanating from the direction of her parents’ “Alone Time Shack”. She quite distinctly heard a moan of “Oh, Edward!”
“Aw, fuck me!”
“Can I?!” And with that, Jacob gleefully pounced.
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no subject
Date: 2011-01-30 05:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 10:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-30 07:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 10:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-30 11:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 10:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-01 04:47 am (UTC)You Know Your Doing Something Wrong When Uncle Creepy Used To Want To Screw Mommy.
(Your icons kicks ass, btw.)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-30 07:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-31 02:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-14 06:09 am (UTC)as a vampire she could count all 496 times
For a second, I thought there was a nice coincidence between this line and Touhou's insane vampire Flandre Scarlet and her imprisonment in her own home for nearly 500 years, but it was for 495 years rather than 496. Shame. It really added a nice touch.