The Literary Society vs. Twilight, Part 1/4

[stormswift]

Title: The Literary Society vs. Twilight

Author: stormswift

Fandom(s): Twilight

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: ~1000

Inspiration: My enabling friends and the many shortcomings regarding purple prose, shoddy world-building, and horrible characters

Warnings: Disney-level violence, destruction of public property, mild language

Summary: A group of superpowered bookworms faces their toughest challenge to date. Will they prevail, or will the sheer awfulness of the book trap them forever?
Author's Notes: Okay, this requires a little bit of background information, but I will try and keep it succinct.

Back in high school (lo, these many moons ago), my friends and I took charge of our school's Literary Club and resurrected it from the train-wreck it had become. One of our revitalizing efforts was renaming it the Literary Society.  Legend doesn't tell us who first made the joke, but someone at some point said "Ha! It kind of makes us sound like superheroes!"

Taking my cues from the PPC, I ran with the idea and gave us all alter-egos based on our favorite genres and recorded our various adventures attacking the horrible books people discussed in the meetings. It took on a life of its own after awhile, and I kept it up through college as a way to keep us in touch as we scattered across the country.  Finally, Romance Girl asked me why I hadn't done Twilight.  Well, why not?  I set to it, and it was the last one I ever wrote (fittingly coinciding with the end of our college careers). Yes, it's self-insertion of the vainest kind.  It's also super-fun to write, and I regret nothing.

I'll try not to over-explain, but the universe has its own little quirks that I will happily clear up if it's confusing.  I will, however, leave you a list of...

Characters and Abilities (I have not used anyone's real name):

• Rose/Romance Girl: shoots flower-petal bullets with the power to stun or kill as she sees fit
• Thomas/Fantasy Man: can fly
• Tracy/Distant Past: stops time by wiggling her nose
• Constance/Verse: makes her words come to life
• Ellen/Artist: draws things into existence with her magic quill pen
• Scott/Sci-Fi Boy: manipulates his surroundings through the use of logic
• The Horticulturist: raises and trains their Chia pet army, animated by the souls of vanquished novels/characters
• and, of course, their high-powered (and infinitely more sensible) super computer, the Electronic Media, Information, and Location of Yellowback Literature (or E.M.I.L.Y.L.)

Without further ado, I give you...the Literary Society!  If you enjoy my jokes even half as much as I do, then I'll consider my time well-spent.

Literary Society vs. Twilight (Part 1)

  Tracy sat peacefully on a bench, lulled into an almost-doze by the warm sun, gentle breeze, and the soothing strains of the music from her iPod. Really, it was an astoundingly idyllic day, she mused idly, scuba-worthy humidity and all. The only thing that could possibly ruin it was--

  A siren blared, shattering her eardrums.

  She was going to say "a rainstorm", but fate had other plans.

  "Mother of pearl!" she hollered, ripping off her headphones...and she realized as she did that the siren came from her headphones. The other students passing in between classes couldn't hear it at all, and more than a few favoured her with curious glances. Ignoring them, she shoved one of the buds back into her ear.

  "RED ALERT! RED ALERT! CALLING THE LITERARY SOCIETY! RED ALERT!" Naturally. Tracy tripped over her own feet - not once, but several times - as she tried to simultaneously shove her iPod in her purse, shove people out of the way, and get to the library eight yards away.

  This had never happened before. Come to think of it, she didn't even know that it could happen, but if E.M.I.L.Y.L. said Red Alert, Tracy felt inclined to believe her.

  "I'm coming, Em," she gasped, brushing aside the scandalized cries of "No running in the library!" She boarded the elevator and pushed the "close door" button repeatedly until it complied.  Then she flipped open the cleverly-hidden panel near the top to reveal the pulsing blue button for HQ.  She gave it one good, solid press and closed her eyes as the floor fell out from under her.

  Distant Past stepped out of the capsule in full combat uniform, straightening the seams so it fit her a little better.  Perhaps it was her imagination, but it seemed a little small.  She let her eyes wander around their command center with a smile tugging at the edge of her lips.  Not much had changed.  Then her gaze fell on her newly-reassembled comrades.

  "Sweet Jesus, Sci-Fi Boy, cut your hair!" she exclaimed.

  "Happy to see you, too, Past," he grumbled.  "You're late."

  "You're-you're kidding, right?" She did a double-take and a quick headcount.  Sure enough, the whole team stood assembled waiting for her. "How is that possible? I got the - I was standing right there -"

  "You're always late," Fantasy Man reminded her.

  "Yeah? Well, you need to shave."

  "Children!" the Horticulturist yelled, and they fell silent. "Behave."

  "Hey, Horty, long time, no see," said Distant Past. "We assumed you died."

  "Fate worse than death, actually," he sighed. "Training these damn littles. They get dumber every year."

  "Is that why we're here?" asked Artist, sketching herself a plush armchair and footstool before plopping herself down. Fantasy Man eyed it.

  "Hey, Artist, could you - " She drew him a three-legged wooden stool, which Verse promptly sat on.

  "Yes," said E.M.I.L.Y.L.'s cool tones. "The danger we face today will be the greatest we have ever known."

  "You mean - " gasped Distant Past.

  "Yes, even greater than Acorna." The company gave a collective shudder. "No mere amateurs could take on an assignment of this magnitude, so I have called you out of your retirement."

  "Something which I greatly resent;
  I'm aiding the future President!" Verse protested.

  "I found it necessary. I am sure you will agree with me when you see it."

  "All right, then, show us," said Fantasy Man, still eyeing Verse and his stool. "I could use a mission." They all turned to E.M.I.L.Y.L.'s screens, bracing themselves. E.M.I.L.Y.L. flashed their next mission for all to see.

  Fantasy Man and Romance Girl fainted dead away without another word; the rest of the Society wobbled, distinctly unsteady on their feet, faces pale.

  "I did warn you," E.M.I.L.Y.L. said as they set about reviving their fallen comrades.

  "Rub it in," muttered Sci-Fi Boy, slapping Fantasy Man's face a few times. Finally, Verse solved the problem by yelling "WAKE UP!", reviving Fantasy Man and Romance Girl while leaving the rest with the distinct feeling that they just double-fisted espresso shots.

  "WHY?" sobbed Romance Girl. "Why must they always slaughter a beautiful thing like romance? What did love ever do to them?"

  "And vampires," moaned Fantasy Man. "It's always vampires!"

  "Wait, vampire romance?" asked Artist. "Em, I thought we agreed: no more Anne Rice."

  "At this point, I pray for Anne Rice," said Romance Girl, sitting up.

  "I pray for two hot chicks and my own personal margarita fountain. Where are your priorities?" asked the Horticulturist with a smirk. Verse rolled her eyes in his direction. "Oh, please don't - "

  "SLAP."

  "Ow!"

  "Children!" yelled Fantasy Man. The Horticulturist dropped the whistle to summon his Chia army and Verse stopped clearing her throat. "Behave."

  "Try to act like a team." E.M.I.L.Y.L. sounded faintly disapproving.

  "We're just a little rusty, that's all," said Artist. "Come on, guys, do we need to do trust falls?"

  "No, I think we're good," said Romance Girl.

  "You'll need to be," said E.M.I.L.Y.L. "This mission will test each of you the greatest extent of your abilities.  Are you prepared?"

  "As we'll ever be, I guess," said Distant Past. "Do it to it."

  "Prepare yourselves in 5...4...3...2...1..." Glitter exploded before their eyes.

Part Two

Comments

[hyperactivator.livejournal.com]

Nice. lol

[melissatreglia]

Oh, this is gonna be great. I just know it!

[nix501st.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I can't wait! This sounds like its going to be absolutely awesome!

[stormswift]

Thanks! Goodness, I hope I can live up to your expectations!

[stormswift]

Thanks for reading!

[stormswift]

I hope you enjoy!

[kestrad.livejournal.com]

Many months late, but I've only recently discovered this community. You guys sporked Acorna? I wasn't even aware people cared it existed! Does your taking apart of the series happen to exist somewhere where I can read it? :D