twispitefic

Title: Yet Another Normal Guy vs. Edward vs. Other Guys fic
Author: LittleCaity/sinestris
Fandom(s): The Twilight Saga *shudder*, Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Rating: G
Word Count: 1,017
Inspiration: das-sporking.livejournal.com/136344.html Lisaerin's sporking of Twi-Hard stupidity and the awesome spite-fic additions in the comments, twispitefic.livejournal.com/25878.html Erika Lyndis' FMA follow-up, twispitefic.livejournal.com/13358.html Blueinkedfrost's Baldur's Gate remix, and twispitefic.livejournal.com/26755.html Gnosticdiva's original character remix. (The link wizard and I are not friends, my apologies.)
Warnings: General silliness and a couple of bad jokes
Summary: Jumping on the bandwagon with the aid of Klein Kiesling, Delsus and Arlin from Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana, proving that fun characters from a weird JRPG would make better boyfriends than Edward.
Disclaimers: I don't own Twilight or the original list, nor would I want to. I don't own Atelier Iris and I am very sad that I don't. Please don't sue, I'm just being silly.

A normal guy would say: “I love you Baby!”

Edward Cullen would say: “You are my life now.”

Klein Kiesling would offer to show you his latest synthesis with a big goofy grin.

Delsus would say "You know you're the one, right?"

Arlin would mumble something about being fond of you while praying Delsus doesn't hear him.

Normal Guy would say: “I think I am falling for you.”

Edward Cullen would say: “The Lion fell in Love with the Lamb”

Klein would go to hell and back to make something important for you because actions speak louder than words.

Delsus would kiss you breathless.

Arlin would wait til you were alone before admitting that "I am very fond of you."

Normal Guy would say: “You hair looks like a haystack; go brush it!”

Edward Cullen would say: “Your hair looks like a haystack but I like it.”

Klein would keep his mouth shut because his hair isn't any better.

Delsus would say "Let me help you with that" and make your hair look awesome.

Arlin would say "You might want to check a mirror" and smile.

A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.

Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.

Klein can't really sing, but he'd try anyway.

Delsus hires Pukko and his fairy henchmen to sing something romantic.

Arlin knows even less about music than Klein and asks you to teach him.

If you die, a normal guy would find another.

If you die, Edward would kill himself because life without you isn’t worth living.

If you die, Klein would do his best to bring you back but give up when it became clear that alchemy can't do that.

If you die, Delsus drinks himself into a stupor until someone smacks him back into line.

If you die, Arlin finds the person responsible and makes his displeasure very, very clear.

As you leave the house, a normal guy would say: “Bye, see ya!”

As you leave the house, Edward Cullen would say: “Come back to me, love.”

As you leave the house, Klein would say: "Can you pick up some stuff from Veola's?" and give you more money than you need, just in case.

As you leave the house, Delsus would say: "Meet you for lunch at the bar?"

As you leave the house, Arlin would be too busy training to say goodbye, but he would wave.

As you come back to the house, a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn’t even notice.

As you come back to the house, Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.

As you come back to the house, Klein would be buried in his latest synthesis but would still shout a hello.

As you come back to the house, Delsus would be with you after that lunch.

As you come back to the house, Arlin would be crashed on the couch taking a nap because he doesn't seem to quite understand the concept of sleeping in a bed.

A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.

Edward Cullen would make you breakfast every day.

Klein would take turns making breakfast because he only knows how to cook toast.

Delsus would make breakfast for you both because he loves cooking and is damn good at it.

Arlin would make his own breakfast, unless he was sick, and even then he'd be embarassed about needing the help.

While you are both out for dinner, a normal guy wouldn’t keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.

Edward Cullen wouldn’t even notice the waitress was a female.

Klein would be nice to the waitress but make it clear that he's here with you.

Delsus would flirt a little and accept a smack upside the head as his due for having wandering eyes.

Arlin would be so confused by going to a crowded place to have other people wait on you that he wouldn't even notice she's hot.

A normal guy, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.

Edward Cullen, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.

Klein, while driving, keeps both hands on the reins because he 'drives' a flying fish.

Delsus doesn't drive, but would be laid back and confident if he did.

Arlin doesn't need to drive, his Time Mana can take him if it's too far to walk.

While far apart in different places, a normal guy would say: “I miss you.”

While far apart in different places, Edward Cullen would say: “It’s like you’ve taken half of myself with you.”

While far apart in different places, Klein would say: "Did you find anything interesting?" and chat away for ages.

While far apart in different places, Delsus would say: "Don't do anyone I wouldn't do. Especially if they're blonde."

While far apart in different places, Arlin would say: "Take care of yourself."

A normal guy wouldn’t care or notice if you had nightmares.

Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.

Klein would hug you until you fell asleep.

Delsus would take you to the kitchen, cook you something nice and let you calm down.

Arlin knows all about nightmares and would sit with you for as long as you needed him.

A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolate.

Edward Cullen would buy you a car.

Klein makes you something awesome with alchemy, cause that's how he rolls.

Delsus buys you some nice jewelry or a good book according to inclination.

Arlin takes you out to the overhang to watch the stars at night.

A normal guy would have sex with everything that moves.

Edward would only do it with you.

Klein is monogamous, but this probably isn't his first relationship.

Delsus is Delsus: loyal, but a complete horndog with an interesting past.

Arlin very rarely lets anyone close enough to even think about sex, so chances are you're his first.

So yeah. Enjoy. Some people have the craziest standards...